Idea Prompts

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This morning, I had black coffee, not too strong, just enough for a jolt to my brain. A sip of near half a cup will work that jolt.

Coffee drinkers would understand – it’s imperative that we have to have it first thing in the morning. In order for aimless thoughts to start making sense, or the heavy legs to start trudging, a cuppa is needed. (Sorry, tea lovers!) J

Then, with another half of a cup of black coffee more to go, I relaxed and let my mind wander a fair bit. I can’t speak for other writers, but allowing my mind to roam freely calms me and greatly helps in my creative writings. Like a comfort blanket to a giddy heart. I do lots of introspection and retrospection in-between but not holding on to a specific thought or matter. I let clarity sets itself. I don’t force it.

More often than not, an answer will appear or an idea will present itself. I get most of the ideas, especially the titles for poems this way. Though most of the times, I hesitate much on whether I should make it public once I finished composing those poems or some flash-fictions. Some have not seen the light of day yet, and perhaps never will. It’s ok. I write for myself, not for others. I compose them to soothe/heal, to be contented, and to be whole. Again, like a comfort blanket, but this time it’s to the soul.

And when the coffee has finished. What do I do next? ..... Simple....

The usual...

---> Contemplate on having a second cuppa. J

December Love

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DECEMBER- to me, in my virtual calendar - is the month of LOVE.

We get to celebrate Christmas with family and loved ones over a big feast (it’s not about turkeys and presents only ……….. hopefully? J ).

We also get to celebrate New Year’s Eve countdown with lovely meaningful friends or normally with our special someone (think kissy-kissy smoochy-smoochy at the strike of 12 in clubs ?!! J ).

We then envelope ourselves with much love and determination, when we try to better ourselves for the brand new year with our never-ending new year resolutions (as if we had already fulfilled the ones we pledged the year before … lol J).

Whatever the reason(s), can’t deny the feel good LOVE feeling evidently in December’s air.

Hearts flutter excitingly, merrily intoxicated just by thinking and anticipating all the joy and fun we are to going have from all the above mentioned celebrations.

Meanwhile, I absolutely am looking forward to year 2017! ❤

Sunshine and Happiness

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After staring down for the longest time at my blank writing pad, and then up at the blank computer screen in front of me, I was discouraged. My brain simply would not churn out anything. It was already mid-morning.

Then, ... out of the blue … an idea came ...

I enticed myself - 'Eve, let’s play hooky today!’

Then ...

Just at about the same time, haloed Angel swiftly appeared and reprimanded me, 'Oh dear! But you haven’t even begun writing a single word yet! How do you expect to motivate yourself for this competition if you always succumbed to this wayward impulse of yours ?!’

Then I got peeved …

‘Oh bother, Angelica! It’s only for today! Besides, the sun is shining so bright and happy right now. I can’t possibly be writing gloomy stuff when my heart is suddenly lifted and light, fluttering ready to fly ?!’

Then …

Again, at about the same time, horned Devil confidently appeared to support, 'That is right dear! All work and no play makes Eve a dull/dumb/damned girl !! .. Now, there’s ice-cream in the freezer – go eat some. The sofa looks invitingly good too – go have a rest. Nobody’s watching the TV right now – go surf some Astro channels to watch, the remote is all yours …. Heh! Heh! Heh!’

Then, I …

‘You are absolutely right, Devilica! Today you are my friend! Today is a good day to enjoy myself. Today’s sunshine is absolutely making me so happy! Today spells P.L.A.Y. !!’

Then, but …

Angelica to Devilica – ‘You are a bad influence! You are so bad you have these terrible head horns that make you look so ugly! No wonder you are made to be avoided!’

Devilica to Angelica – ‘Oh hush! And you are such a dull pudge! That’s why nobody ever wants to take your advice and listen to you. You are so boring that your halo is always of the same boring colour! Haven’t you ever heard of Neon?’

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Then, I decided …

‘Shut up Angelica! …. Today I want to eat ice-cream! …  After that, I want to lie down on the sofa to relax, and while resting, I want to watch the full four-hour marathon re-runs of Anna Olsen’s baking show on AFC … !!’

And so, on this day – the Devil won the match.

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Morning Alarm

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I could barely open my eyes. Its morning and a wet one too. Heavy downpour the whole night before until near dawn. Still drizzling now.I slept very late last night, I think past 3am. A habit I’m trying utmost not to forge. 

The good thing is, somehow or other I will ‘auto wake-up’ around 7.30-ish nearly every morning. My phone alarm is always set at 7am but I will sleep through it – always. Never mind whatever the music/tune I had set it as the alarm wake. It’s kind of useless – whether it’s a tyrant tune to shock jolt my brain (probably could give me a heart attack one day), or a soft tune to have a gentle wake. Or tunes of bird chirpings, dog barking, duck quacking, whatever animal ‘fill in the blanks’ sound to annoy me to get up, I’ll still sleep through all that. An apparent shame. J

I should just set my alarm to 7.30am in sync with my auto wake-up self-praised virtue. At least I can deceive myself that I am a disciplined person, that I could get my butt off the bed the minute the alarm’s tune strikes. No?

But I digress. L

And I forgot what I had intended to write here initially. Certainly not about clocks, alarms or tunes.

I need to go get my coffee now.

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Dealing with Fury

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This griping angst. This feeling of wretched frustrations. I can’t fade the resentments. I can’t dim the fury. I’m helpless. It’s debilitating, to my daily existence. I wish to survive.

I can’t hate. I don’t wish to have to hate them, those people. I don’t want to. But still, their unwelcome tainted presence wrecks my psyche. My spirit is broken. 

Stay far away from me! Get lost!

******************

I recognize these emotions. J

So dark.

And I know some, if not many, had felt this way before. Harsh, but relatable.

This phase will pass, whether if it’s only a fleeting period of time, or taking longer than hoped. You can cease it. But you have to want to cease it. 

And when you have managed to ‘recover’, make a conscious effort to walk over to the brighter and lighter side. Then, work hard on remaining there.

Darkness is not forever, it is only so if you allow it to be.

Today

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24 May ...

On this particular day, I pledge that from now on, I will do my very best to …

…. be kinder to myself. No need for any self-berating, self-bashing when I did not achieve what I had set out for myself to achieve within that stipulated time frame.

…. allow myself to let go of burdens (especially of others’) and not feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) about it.

…. pay more attention to my intuition. Be not too quick to brush aside this small nudging voice. Let it be heard.

…. focus more on my own journey of self-actualisation, steadfastly.

…. love myself more. Nourish my inner self. Cherish my being. Prioritise me.

❤❤❤

Melancholia Posts

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I scrolled through this blog leisurely. Plainly I discovered, nearly all my past posts are melancholic. I thought I’ll probably close off all the posts, it would be better. But I thought I can’t possibly dictate how my feelings should feel or when to feel whenever I come to express my emotions here. So I think, I’ll just let the posts be. 

Having imbalance emotions at times, or even most of the times – is not a crime. Should not be ashamed of it too. After all, human emotions are fickle. Therefore, there’s no need to fight it.

Giving myself space – a gap – between writing fiction and writing personal posts, is necessary. I need to separate the fantasy and reality (writing on this journal, that is) because hardship comes when both are intertwined. A blockage, a tug of war. Between conscience and imagination. Hence, my pen then ceases to glide freely, the writing pad remains empty.

But of course, if I spent too much time extracting out the ‘pictures, scenes, people and sound’ from the imaginations in my head and try as might to turn it into words on paper, eventually my core energy will get depleted.

And how do I recharge back? ….. Simply by returning here - scribbling my journals.

The ‘Nature’ That I Need

pic - @eve

I was feeling sickly for the past couple of weeks. A migraine what won't cease, lethargy strikes, a gastric problem affecting.. overall, my health was being menaced by the imbalance of my ‘impure’ body cells. (I can't believe I'm speaking biology here). I reckon I must have over-exerted myself – mentally and physically. Maybe.

And I didn't want to go anywhere, be near anyone or be involved in anything. I wanted to be just alone. Solace was all that I seek. Times like this, there are only a handful (and will always stay this way) of people that I will permit myself to spend time with. I am not being arrogant, I am merely protecting myself - or my psyche to be more apt. Cause if you are with the wrong company when you are at your weakest or lowest self, energy being sucked out from you to/for them, is indeed hard to get back instantly, and to think that positive energy is what you need the most at that time to lift yourself up.

Going back to nature is one of the things I would normally do to feed my soul, sort of replenishing back the mental and physical, or perhaps even emotional energy. I can't say that this is what others do too to get their vitality back but this works for me.

pic - @terencetan

Forests, hills – with tall trees, gardens – with vast greens and colourful flowers , woods – with large tree trunks, seawater - with sandy beach , waterfalls, etc, anything that has elements of nature in it – feeds me and my soul. It’s hard for me to put into words. I forget everything when I'm with Mother Nature.

I can't run away from this over-worked over-concreted over-conceited over-hostile world (by the look of the ongoing racial/religion/power struggles - it’s getting to there) that we are currently living. Unless I hitch a ride with a visiting three-eye alien’s spacecraft into the infinity universe? :-)

pic - @eve

But at least, when life gets too much on me, I have a solace that I can always seek whenever I want or need, and that is to lose myself in Nature. In that, I'm grateful that there is still an escape for me to run away to.

Is There An 'Enough' ?

How much is enough in life? How much more we want for love, money, possessions, power, status until we can say its enough? Or will it ever be enough? Or is there ever an 'enough'?

Why push yourself so hard to achieve the invincible 'enough' if you yourself don't know how to measure or cap the peak of your 'enough'?!! That's how stress and tension set in to create havoc in your balance of life!

And so, to some - if you already know about it, why are you still continuing this insanity path? Why are you still having this 'woe is me' mentally? You already know the enlightened 'answer' to your woes but still choose to continue the same old insanity path!

'Take your hand off the hot kettle if you do not wish to scald your hand.'

I Have Surrendered My Puffs

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It had just crossed my mind that I had not held a ciggy to my mouth for like more than couple of years already. Off lately, somehow the lips and lungs feel like want to acquire back the taste of the smoky inhalation.

And it has to be a menthol. Either Salem or Dunhill will be fine. No, no Marlboro though. Don't like and don't know why. Not brand prejudice, just not the acquired taste.

Other names ? Never tried, never wanted to try anyhow. Just one thing - inhaled once a Gudang Garam (eon years back) - yanked out that alien stick from my mouth immediately - I would've spit it out unladylike-ly if not for my formal office suit I was donning --> have to preserve working image (*smirk*), some more was at my working place - which has a, so called - 'prestigious' ambiance. (*double-smirk*)

That taste from the Gudang Garam (GG) brand is foul - at least to me ! Unspeakably strong. And people say this production had more tar in it than others. Whether verified or not - I don’t know.

And that once you get accustomed to GG's inhalation, you will find that other brands are too mild in comparison, and just don't have the same 'KicK'. So, in the end, you will be going back to GG more and more, and MoRE !

Therefore, it's very bad, very very bad - to health. Not that smoking other brands is not as bad - it is. Just that perhaps GG may be far more detrimental. So, if you are already an existing smoker, but yet a GG acquired - stay away okay? Why put yourselves in a deeper health scare than you probably or may be already in. (*triple-smirk*)

I know - that includes me. But no, I am not a heavy or chain smoker, just a social smoker - if you know what that terminology means. Well, like - one pack of ciggy of 14 sticks (during those days they have that) - I will only 'use' half of it in a duration of say - a month? And the rest will be left to 'rot' .. i.e. become soggy, cause most of the times I don't have the urge to puff. Unlike commonly for most serial or serious puffers - I deal with stress in a different way ..

Well? Still can't comprehend?  Try again. Hmmm ...

What A Women Wants, If Only Men Realise It

Women generally just want to be made to feel she's important, cherished, appreciated, loved, cared, a priority (not necessary need to be the highest) in their loved one's life, heart and actions ...

 ~ eVe ~

That's not too much to ask for, is it ? 

A male acquaintance commented that .. "we (women) are asking for the sun"... 

I told him, "No, we are merely asking for a normal sunshine." 

My Focus !

One thing I would like to thoroughly change myself is to have the mighty ability to remain focus on the current state of tasks or thoughts or even moods/emotions ESPECIALLY when I sit down to write.


Thoughts, ideas, inspirations seem to come as fast as they could go too. That's what usually gets me very, very frustrated. I could not hold on to it fast enough to narrate it down. My focus ... The first few sentences are often the toughest ones for me. That's why I can never be a technical writer.. I excel very much in creative writing.

Gone were the days when carefree leisurely mood dictates my writings of stories/topics. Or perhaps I haven't dug enough deep down inside just yet. Or perhaps I'm afraid too. Or maybe I'm unconsciously evading because I don't want to? But then I will have too..

Because my writing desk has a nice and inspiring view now that I've shifted it near the window.

I could see sunrise, Komtar, Pg Bridge, Pg ferry (albeit 2cm in size - ^.^), planes cruising over and by, birds flying high, the blue sea, view of Seberang Perai, and last but not least, the best part - large white clouds in a vast of clear blue sky just above me whenever I lift my head up high...

I have no excuse now not to write more and write better as well ... I'll force myself if I have too..

When Only Can I Get My Glorious Mood Back ??

Fed up !!! Fed up !!

Can't seem to be in my past glorious mood lately...

Damn !! Just can't seem to get it back ..

Inspirational juice is running dry too ...

Is it the weather ?? Is it the monotonous work ?? Is it the long hours ??

Is it the lack of venturing out - like I used to ??

Or missing someone too much ??

Or plain lazy ?? No, no - it can't be ..

Mood, glorious mood ...please come back !!!

Days and God ..

When the days are empty, where do you think God is ?

When the days are lonely, do you ever think if God is around ?

When the days are sad, will God appear to cheer us ?

When the days are difficult, is God going to make our hardship lighter ?

When the days like today, when I question and question about and of God,

...will God give me the answers ?


~ eVe ~

I Have Not Really Slept Past Few Days...

Since I got very sick last week, I had started going to bed early - like 10pm every night (thought of having some good rest for the body) and will only get up about 7.30am the next morning. That's like about 9.5 hours of sleep.

But what puzzles me is, every morning when I get up, I still feel like as if I have not slept at all.

I think I have an inkling on why I have not really 'slept'.

Mind was having funny-funny deep dreams.. it was like real.. though can't really recall the dreams. But remembered there were familiar people with 'like' real conversations, going to places, etc.

Old folks tend to say that the 'soul' had wandered around to the other side or dimension of the world. That's why, the soul had not really slept. What kind of world, what kind of side or dimension - I don't know. Beats me.

I don't quite believe it but how else to explain my physical tiredness even after more than 9 hours of sleep ?

Ah ..it's time for bed now. I hope I really 'sleep' tonite !

Seven (7) ...Months

Seven months plus had passed ..

Some things remain the same, .. some things had utterly changed.

Some changes I'm glad, .. some I preferred it had not happened (and I want to quickly forget all of it).

Some things I'm still waiting wishfully, ... some I pray and hope it won't be happening.

Whatever I wish, whatever it is, whatever will be ...

It's a responsibility, my responsibility to carry on .. for a new beginning, hopefully ...

Listen Here !!

Can I ask - "What do you want from me ?"

Can I say - "I dont like the way it's heading."

Can I tell - "This is suffocating.."

Can I lament - "I would hav preferred it to be like last time"

Can I express - "But I do honestly wish the best for you"

Can I just ask again - "What IS IT that you want from me ?"

~ asking, saying, telling, lamenting, expressing n asking again ~

New Year Resolutions

To -

Enjoy life to the fullest

Be nicer to people and myself

Concentrate more on my wellbeing

Trust my instincts more

Be more decisive and focus on my goals in life

Spend more time with God

Appreciate the many abundances in my life

Eat more nutritional food and exercise

Start indulging in my hobbies and passion more

Write and write and write

To Stop -

Procrastinating

Worrying unnecessarily

Being a perfectionist

Being short-tempered

Being impatient

Thank you for listening.

You will keep track of my progress won't you?

(Btw, I'm a rabbit - as in my Chinese horoscope)

Are You Facebook-ing?

Facebook is great. I registered an account about more than a year ago but just never bother to do anything with it. Lying idle to die. Though I did use my account to peruse some ex-colleagues and childhood friends' intro profile but never really create and add any friends' request to my profile.

Idiotic me? Yes, what was I thinking? Beats me. Why don't I just be a bit more active and really go re-connect back with them, reminisce old foolish times and to stay in touch with them? Some really went far across the globe to settle there.

So, the past month, I did exactly the above, search and add this friend and that friend, and it was cool. Amazes me I could still connect back with buddies whom I've not seen well over a decade.

Above all, I'm satisfied with FB. Think I'll be staying active from now on - updating status, sharing, poking, farming, blah, blah, blah.

Relationship Revelations

It’s been a while since my last post. Fingers were eager to write but mind was stagnant. During the last month, I had a few revelations about myself and people around me after witnessing a few occurrences that happened to me and surrounding people. Made me realise that when I thought I know or had understood all about human relationships – if I actually probed further, there are still much to be learned and explore.

Since then, I had realised (not that I never knew before, but in much deeper context now) that :

- Human relations especially between men and women (romantically) are pretty complicated and utterly unpredictable. There will always be differences in ‘wants’ and ‘needs’. Both in this case will be united only for a major reason – LOVE, and ironically, the same word is also involved if both choose to separate, but this time it’s OUT-OF-LOVE.

- Human relations between parent(s) and children are undeniably strong and attached – emotionally, physically, mentally and perhaps spiritually. Whether or not, the relationship is on good terms is another matter, the attachment and bond will still affect and influence the child till old.

- Human relations between friends on platonic basis (in this case, friends of same gender) are fickle. Close friendships can be formed just about anywhere, anytime, anyhow – when common interests and values are shared. We will click and perhaps start to form a clique. But however strong the foundation of a friendship may be, it still remain forever fragile, and would disintegrate in a blink of an eye – with usually 2 reasons as the common culprit - JEALOUSY (of any aspect, usually money and status) and the involvement of a third party – a BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND had emerged – Eros blinds everything.

Nevertheless, any healthy (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) person would still need all these different shades of relationships mentioned above. It is suppose to make us whole and complete as a human being. It would feel as though we had missed a thing or two in life if we had never experience it before.

That’s us – HUMANS, forever fickle.