December Love

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DECEMBER- to me, in my virtual calendar - is the month of LOVE.

We get to celebrate Christmas with family and loved ones over a big feast (it’s not about turkeys and presents only ……….. hopefully? J ).

We also get to celebrate New Year’s Eve countdown with lovely meaningful friends or normally with our special someone (think kissy-kissy smoochy-smoochy at the strike of 12 in clubs ?!! J ).

We then envelope ourselves with much love and determination, when we try to better ourselves for the brand new year with our never-ending new year resolutions (as if we had already fulfilled the ones we pledged the year before … lol J).

Whatever the reason(s), can’t deny the feel good LOVE feeling evidently in December’s air.

Hearts flutter excitingly, merrily intoxicated just by thinking and anticipating all the joy and fun we are to going have from all the above mentioned celebrations.

Meanwhile, I absolutely am looking forward to year 2017! ❤

Sunshine and Happiness

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After staring down for the longest time at my blank writing pad, and then up at the blank computer screen in front of me, I was discouraged. My brain simply would not churn out anything. It was already mid-morning.

Then, ... out of the blue … an idea came ...

I enticed myself - 'Eve, let’s play hooky today!’

Then ...

Just at about the same time, haloed Angel swiftly appeared and reprimanded me, 'Oh dear! But you haven’t even begun writing a single word yet! How do you expect to motivate yourself for this competition if you always succumbed to this wayward impulse of yours ?!’

Then I got peeved …

‘Oh bother, Angelica! It’s only for today! Besides, the sun is shining so bright and happy right now. I can’t possibly be writing gloomy stuff when my heart is suddenly lifted and light, fluttering ready to fly ?!’

Then …

Again, at about the same time, horned Devil confidently appeared to support, 'That is right dear! All work and no play makes Eve a dull/dumb/damned girl !! .. Now, there’s ice-cream in the freezer – go eat some. The sofa looks invitingly good too – go have a rest. Nobody’s watching the TV right now – go surf some Astro channels to watch, the remote is all yours …. Heh! Heh! Heh!’

Then, I …

‘You are absolutely right, Devilica! Today you are my friend! Today is a good day to enjoy myself. Today’s sunshine is absolutely making me so happy! Today spells P.L.A.Y. !!’

Then, but …

Angelica to Devilica – ‘You are a bad influence! You are so bad you have these terrible head horns that make you look so ugly! No wonder you are made to be avoided!’

Devilica to Angelica – ‘Oh hush! And you are such a dull pudge! That’s why nobody ever wants to take your advice and listen to you. You are so boring that your halo is always of the same boring colour! Haven’t you ever heard of Neon?’

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Then, I decided …

‘Shut up Angelica! …. Today I want to eat ice-cream! …  After that, I want to lie down on the sofa to relax, and while resting, I want to watch the full four-hour marathon re-runs of Anna Olsen’s baking show on AFC … !!’

And so, on this day – the Devil won the match.

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Morning Alarm

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I could barely open my eyes. Its morning and a wet one too. Heavy downpour the whole night before until near dawn. Still drizzling now.I slept very late last night, I think past 3am. A habit I’m trying utmost not to forge. 

The good thing is, somehow or other I will ‘auto wake-up’ around 7.30-ish nearly every morning. My phone alarm is always set at 7am but I will sleep through it – always. Never mind whatever the music/tune I had set it as the alarm wake. It’s kind of useless – whether it’s a tyrant tune to shock jolt my brain (probably could give me a heart attack one day), or a soft tune to have a gentle wake. Or tunes of bird chirpings, dog barking, duck quacking, whatever animal ‘fill in the blanks’ sound to annoy me to get up, I’ll still sleep through all that. An apparent shame. J

I should just set my alarm to 7.30am in sync with my auto wake-up self-praised virtue. At least I can deceive myself that I am a disciplined person, that I could get my butt off the bed the minute the alarm’s tune strikes. No?

But I digress. L

And I forgot what I had intended to write here initially. Certainly not about clocks, alarms or tunes.

I need to go get my coffee now.

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Dealing with Fury

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This griping angst. This feeling of wretched frustrations. I can’t fade the resentments. I can’t dim the fury. I’m helpless. It’s debilitating, to my daily existence. I wish to survive.

I can’t hate. I don’t wish to have to hate them, those people. I don’t want to. But still, their unwelcome tainted presence wrecks my psyche. My spirit is broken. 

Stay far away from me! Get lost!

******************

I recognize these emotions. J

So dark.

And I know some, if not many, had felt this way before. Harsh, but relatable.

This phase will pass, whether if it’s only a fleeting period of time, or taking longer than hoped. You can cease it. But you have to want to cease it. 

And when you have managed to ‘recover’, make a conscious effort to walk over to the brighter and lighter side. Then, work hard on remaining there.

Darkness is not forever, it is only so if you allow it to be.

Today

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24 May ...

On this particular day, I pledge that from now on, I will do my very best to …

…. be kinder to myself. No need for any self-berating, self-bashing when I did not achieve what I had set out for myself to achieve within that stipulated time frame.

…. allow myself to let go of burdens (especially of others’) and not feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) about it.

…. pay more attention to my intuition. Be not too quick to brush aside this small nudging voice. Let it be heard.

…. focus more on my own journey of self-actualisation, steadfastly.

…. love myself more. Nourish my inner self. Cherish my being. Prioritise me.

❤❤❤

Melancholia Posts

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I scrolled through this blog leisurely. Plainly I discovered, nearly all my past posts are melancholic. I thought I’ll probably close off all the posts, it would be better. But I thought I can’t possibly dictate how my feelings should feel or when to feel whenever I come to express my emotions here. So I think, I’ll just let the posts be. 

Having imbalance emotions at times, or even most of the times – is not a crime. Should not be ashamed of it too. After all, human emotions are fickle. Therefore, there’s no need to fight it.

Giving myself space – a gap – between writing fiction and writing personal posts, is necessary. I need to separate the fantasy and reality (writing on this journal, that is) because hardship comes when both are intertwined. A blockage, a tug of war. Between conscience and imagination. Hence, my pen then ceases to glide freely, the writing pad remains empty.

But of course, if I spent too much time extracting out the ‘pictures, scenes, people and sound’ from the imaginations in my head and try as might to turn it into words on paper, eventually my core energy will get depleted.

And how do I recharge back? ….. Simply by returning here - scribbling my journals.