Morning Alarm

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I could barely open my eyes. Its morning and a wet one too. Heavy downpour the whole night before until near dawn. Still drizzling now.I slept very late last night, I think past 3am. A habit I’m trying utmost not to forge. 

The good thing is, somehow or other I will ‘auto wake-up’ around 7.30-ish nearly every morning. My phone alarm is always set at 7am but I will sleep through it – always. Never mind whatever the music/tune I had set it as the alarm wake. It’s kind of useless – whether it’s a tyrant tune to shock jolt my brain (probably could give me a heart attack one day), or a soft tune to have a gentle wake. Or tunes of bird chirpings, dog barking, duck quacking, whatever animal ‘fill in the blanks’ sound to annoy me to get up, I’ll still sleep through all that. An apparent shame. J

I should just set my alarm to 7.30am in sync with my auto wake-up self-praised virtue. At least I can deceive myself that I am a disciplined person, that I could get my butt off the bed the minute the alarm’s tune strikes. No?

But I digress. L

And I forgot what I had intended to write here initially. Certainly not about clocks, alarms or tunes.

I need to go get my coffee now.

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Dealing with Fury

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This griping angst. This feeling of wretched frustrations. I can’t fade the resentments. I can’t dim the fury. I’m helpless. It’s debilitating, to my daily existence. I wish to survive.

I can’t hate. I don’t wish to have to hate them, those people. I don’t want to. But still, their unwelcome tainted presence wrecks my psyche. My spirit is broken. 

Stay far away from me! Get lost!

******************

I recognize these emotions. J

So dark.

And I know some, if not many, had felt this way before. Harsh, but relatable.

This phase will pass, whether if it’s only a fleeting period of time, or taking longer than hoped. You can cease it. But you have to want to cease it. 

And when you have managed to ‘recover’, make a conscious effort to walk over to the brighter and lighter side. Then, work hard on remaining there.

Darkness is not forever, it is only so if you allow it to be.

Today

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24 May ...

On this particular day, I pledge that from now on, I will do my very best to …

…. be kinder to myself. No need for any self-berating, self-bashing when I did not achieve what I had set out for myself to achieve within that stipulated time frame.

…. allow myself to let go of burdens (especially of others’) and not feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) about it.

…. pay more attention to my intuition. Be not too quick to brush aside this small nudging voice. Let it be heard.

…. focus more on my own journey of self-actualisation, steadfastly.

…. love myself more. Nourish my inner self. Cherish my being. Prioritise me.

❤❤❤

Melancholia Posts

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I scrolled through this blog leisurely. Plainly I discovered, nearly all my past posts are melancholic. I thought I’ll probably close off all the posts, it would be better. But I thought I can’t possibly dictate how my feelings should feel or when to feel whenever I come to express my emotions here. So I think, I’ll just let the posts be. 

Having imbalance emotions at times, or even most of the times – is not a crime. Should not be ashamed of it too. After all, human emotions are fickle. Therefore, there’s no need to fight it.

Giving myself space – a gap – between writing fiction and writing personal posts, is necessary. I need to separate the fantasy and reality (writing on this journal, that is) because hardship comes when both are intertwined. A blockage, a tug of war. Between conscience and imagination. Hence, my pen then ceases to glide freely, the writing pad remains empty.

But of course, if I spent too much time extracting out the ‘pictures, scenes, people and sound’ from the imaginations in my head and try as might to turn it into words on paper, eventually my core energy will get depleted.

And how do I recharge back? ….. Simply by returning here - scribbling my journals.

'You Were There'

When you listen to it 101 times continuously, you know it struck a chord somewhere in you.
ღ ღ ღ

There Is No Such Thing As 'Good Sorrow'

How many times had I picked myself up again and again after falling? I had not intended to fall on the hard pavement that many times.

Do I go blaming myself for the fall? Or do I caress my fragile self and tell it's okay. Perhaps I did neither.

Do I go blaming and cursing the world and the heaven and the universe for my ill-befallen karma? Perhaps I did.

Well - I definitely did - aplenty times. It is much easier to place the blame on the unseen, untouchable, intangible force. Let's blame God?

Nobody wants to go through tough times. There's no such thing as wanting to experience the 'hurt or pain' first before meeting happiness. No such thing as willingly accepting 'hurt and pain' as the inevitable you have to endure, each and every time before you can rise up again. No such thing as a 'good sorrow'. No such thing as a 'sorrow with a positive vibe'.

But .... there are quite a many who feels this way. Is it unfortunate? Or is it just plain dumb? Or is it that they don't know any better? What about me?

I feel - I had felt, good karma was always eluding me. Would it be too dramatic - if I use the cliche words 'I felt like I was being cursed, or in a curse' - to describe the feelings I had at that particular period of time? It engulfed me, the supposedly curse, I mean. That much suffocation I can say.

That period of time was hell. And it was a very long period of time.

I did eventually come out from the fury darkness. And will never go back again to that phase of my life. A phase where I constantly hailed the 'sorrow' as something I have to go through before calm and joy can arrive. Unwittingly, I had made it a 'good sorrow'?

Was it dumb? Well, if it was - then fortunately, I am now no longer.



image credit - marjaana pato (flickr)

The ‘Nature’ That I Need

pic - @eve

I was feeling sickly for the past couple of weeks. A migraine what won't cease, lethargy strikes, a gastric problem affecting.. overall, my health was being menaced by the imbalance of my ‘impure’ body cells. (I can't believe I'm speaking biology here). I reckon I must have over-exerted myself – mentally and physically. Maybe.

And I didn't want to go anywhere, be near anyone or be involved in anything. I wanted to be just alone. Solace was all that I seek. Times like this, there are only a handful (and will always stay this way) of people that I will permit myself to spend time with. I am not being arrogant, I am merely protecting myself - or my psyche to be more apt. Cause if you are with the wrong company when you are at your weakest or lowest self, energy being sucked out from you to/for them, is indeed hard to get back instantly, and to think that positive energy is what you need the most at that time to lift yourself up.

Going back to nature is one of the things I would normally do to feed my soul, sort of replenishing back the mental and physical, or perhaps even emotional energy. I can't say that this is what others do too to get their vitality back but this works for me.

pic - @terencetan

Forests, hills – with tall trees, gardens – with vast greens and colourful flowers , woods – with large tree trunks, seawater - with sandy beach , waterfalls, etc, anything that has elements of nature in it – feeds me and my soul. It’s hard for me to put into words. I forget everything when I'm with Mother Nature.

I can't run away from this over-worked over-concreted over-conceited over-hostile world (by the look of the ongoing racial/religion/power struggles - it’s getting to there) that we are currently living. Unless I hitch a ride with a visiting three-eye alien’s spacecraft into the infinity universe? :-)

pic - @eve

But at least, when life gets too much on me, I have a solace that I can always seek whenever I want or need, and that is to lose myself in Nature. In that, I'm grateful that there is still an escape for me to run away to.

Is There An 'Enough' ?

How much is enough in life? How much more we want for love, money, possessions, power, status until we can say its enough? Or will it ever be enough? Or is there ever an 'enough'?

Why push yourself so hard to achieve the invincible 'enough' if you yourself don't know how to measure or cap the peak of your 'enough'?!! That's how stress and tension set in to create havoc in your balance of life!

And so, to some - if you already know about it, why are you still continuing this insanity path? Why are you still having this 'woe is me' mentally? You already know the enlightened 'answer' to your woes but still choose to continue the same old insanity path!

'Take your hand off the hot kettle if you do not wish to scald your hand.'

Crossroad

Many times I have come to a crossroad. That’s when I am at a point I am not sure on the decisions that I have to make in my life. There are always the cluttered mind, uneasiness, fear, lost, helpless feeling. The fear of making a decision that later on I will regret I ever made it.

Coming to a crossroad is like having lost the intuition guide that’s always there to call upon whenever I need it. That’s when fear engulfed my conscience. And I will feel utterly hopeless.

It is quite frequent – of me meeting this crossroad, that at times, I become quite harsh on myself. Berating to my own – my little inner me, “Shouldn't this get easier to decide as you have been at this crossroad many many times before? Haven't you learn a thing or by now already?”

But often times I get ashamed, ashamed of my intellectual self when the little inner soft voice residing in me – almost like small hurt child questioning back, “How would I have known? If I have all the answers, do you think I will still let you go through this pain? It pains me more.”

At this crossroad – of the decisions I finally made, sometimes I triumphed, other times I crumbled. And when I crumbled, even with feelings of lost, hurt, dejection – I tell myself to get right back up again, always. Its is not easy to pick myself up, there are usually emotional, mental and spiritual bruises to show. But I tell myself, always tell myself – it’s okay. And that is how I always persevered, right up to this day.



Images courtesy of David Niblack

Do You See What I See ?

Do you see what I see?

I see smiles. I see laughs. I see chuckles.

I see sadness and bad days are always not permanent.

I see many had rise up from failures, stronger than before.

I see strength. I know you have it if you would just believed it.

I see faith. I choose to have faith.

I see those who are in hardships at the moment, still choose not to give up.

I still see hope. I still see light at the end of the tunnel. I still believe..

I see beauty and charm. I know it will shine out if you let it.

I see love. I still believe in love.

I still see compassion. I see that many do possess it.

I see caring. I know it’s in all of us.

I still see humanity. I believe everybody has it though it may be buried deep.

Do you?

Do you see what I see?

- eve

photo credit - www